- [Opening Credits]
- [Scene: 57 Linden Court, the living room. Janet notices that the cabinets have been locked.]
Janet: Cassie will your dad be home soon?
Cassie: Any minute now.
Janet: Is this one of your prophetic visions?
Cassie: No he always arrives back, just after you scrape his lunch into the bin.
Janet: I did warn him, [she takes George's plate and goes to the bin to scrape his lunch into it] if he can't get home on time. [she steps on the bin's opener only to find it is also padlocked] Great. [Janet puts the plate back and finds that a packet of butter has also been padlocked.
Janet: George, why has the whole flat been padlocked?
George: Thieves Janet, they're everywhere.
Janet: Says who?
George: The Daily Mail, oh i nearly forgot. [George goes outside and brings a Car gear back in] I imobilised the car.
Janet: George don't you think you're taking this a bit too far?
George: Not at all. [closes the door and locks five of it's locks] There, you don't want any nutters getting in here. [nods to Tyler (who is a nutter) who nods to Arnie who also nods]
Arnie: George has got the right idea, this planet is full of unscrupulous Humans who always take stuff that don't belong to them. [takes a piece of meat in the kitchen and eats it]
Tyler: He's right, crime's everywhere and thieves are getting cleverer. The other day when i was out, i had everything in my entire flat stolen and replaced with an exact replica.
George: Thieves, and i bet the Police did nothing?
George: Ha, and i wonder why.
Tyler: Ha, because i never told them. [he walks to the kitchen]
George: Right, [to Janet] They never do anything Janet. How many citizen's arrests have i made this month?
Janet: Er, 409.
George: And how many people did they actually charge?
Janet: One, you for wasting Police time.
George: And was i wasting Police time?
Janet: Yes, you can't arrest someone for eating crisps in a library.
George: He was disturbing the peace Janet, i believe in Zero Tolerance.
Janet: You even arrested my mother for double-parking.
George: I also believe in having fun.
Janet: George you have to trust the Police to do their work.
George: No-no-no i'm not discussing this any further, i just want this house to be safe from all the undesirables outside.
Ella: [knocks the door with Stanley with Ollie's in his pram] Why doesn't my key work?
George: Hmm i rest my case.
Janet: Just open the door.
George: Sorry, i'm protecting my family.
Janet: They've got our son.
George: Kidnappers! [goes to the door, unlocks all the locks and opens it]
Ella: What on earth is going on?
George: I'll need to see some ID.
Ella: Oh for Heaven's sake. [walks in as Stanley pulls Ollie's pram]
Stanley: Here's our brave little soldier, he had a bit of a fall from the nursery climbing frame, didn't you chap?
Ella: He fell a long way i don't know why he isn't in floods of tears.
Janet: Oh it's probably just a delayed reaction, [nods to Ollie] it's quite normal in normal toddlers.
Ollie: Oh, um. [Ollie pretends to cry]
Janet: There you see he just needs a bit of sympathy.
George: Ah ya big crybaby.
Ella: That playground isn't safe at all, they need something soft on the ground to land on. Naturally it falls to me to do something.
George: You're gonna lie on the ground and let the kids land on you?
Ella: No it's my duty as head of the playground action group.
Janet: Since when were you head of the playground action group.
Stanley: Since this morning when she formed the playground action group.
Ella: We'll need some kind of fundraiser i thought something sophisticated like an art fair, Piers can host it, he was on that arty programme the other day.
Janet: Oh yeah he's Mr. Sophistication. He said the Italian Renaisance was a wartime anti-Nazi movement.
Ella: Well he should jump at the chance to look cultured. [to Stanley] Come along Stanley, better get back to the car, don't want another parking ticket. [George opens the door for Ella] Arresting your own mother in-law George, i was not amused. [she walks out, followed by Stanley who stops]
Stanley: I was. [he walks out]
Janet: [George and Janet take a look at Ollie] Ollie are you really alright?
Ollie: Sure mum, i'm indestructible, it's just baths that make me cry.
George: But you've got a grip of iron, how come you fell of the climbing frame?
Ollie: Tommy Butler pushed me.
George: [sighs] That's assault.
Janet: Tommy's only two.
George: Well he should be locked up.
Janet: He's a toddler they don't know what they're doing.
George: All the more reason to lock them up, on Ultron once you're two, you're criminally responsible that's why there's no crime.
Janet: And what about Arnie?
Arnie: That's why i live on Earth, [breaks the lock off the fridge]. [to Tyler] We're in. [opens the fridge]
George: Okay we'll do it your way.
Janet: Thank you.
George: Hmm, we'll report Tommy to the Police for attempted murder.
Janet: That's not my way.
George: But you said we've got to trust the Police to do their work.
Janet: George, we are not phoning the Police.
George: You're right, we need to go there in person. [opens the door and takes Ollie in his pram with him]
Janet: George i'm not coming with you.
Arnie: [walks out of the kitchen eating a chocolate cake out the fridge with Tyler who has a French Bread stick and beer] You tell him, and if he gets arrested again and starts blabbing and fesses up that he's Thermoman so be it.
Janet: I'm coming with you! [she runs out the door]
- [George goes back in the living room to get the car gear and leaves]
- [Scene flash]
- [Scene: Northolt Police Station.]
George: You see Janet even the Police Station isn't secure, anyone can just walk in.
Detective Symes: [walks in] Oh, i thought i told you never to come in this Police station again.
George: Not even for attempted murder?
Symes: Don't give me ideas.
George: Someone pushed my son off a climbing frame.
Symes: Dobbs, you haven't by any chance got a file for Mr. Sunday have you? [Dobbs gives Symes two heavy documents] I suppose you have a witness for this do you.
George: Yes my son, Ollie says that someone, Tommy Butler, surreptitiously elbowed him with potentially lethal consequences.
Symes: [Symes turns to look at Ollie, who waves and smiles at him] Precoucious boy is he?
Janet: He's gifted.
Symes: Well he obviously doesn't get it from his father does he. Now, can the young Einstein describe his attacker?
George: Yes, he had short blonde wispy hair, blue eyes.
George: About one foot four. [Symes and Dobbs look at George, shocked] Ollie's even done a picture of him. [he shows Symes a picture of the boy which clearly couldn't be drawn by a fourteen month old Human]
Symes: I think you best leave now.
George: Oh i get it, before you arrest me again.
Symes: No need to take that tone with me.
George: I've seen the Police on tv, always arresting the wrong person.
George: I'm sorry Janet, but somebody has to tell the Police the truth. [to Symes] We all know the real criminal is the person you least suspect so why don't you start off with arresting the person you least suspect.
Symes: I think someones been watching too much Inspector Morse.
George: Morse is a disgrace, most detectives solve a murder in one hour but not Morse oh no, he always takes two hours.
Janet: It's television George it's not real.
George: Ha, you try telling that to the bloke on porridge.
Symes: Is that everything or do you want me to lock up the blokes who play Starsky and Hutch for impersonating Police Officers?
George: You mean, they're not real detectives?
Janet: Come on George. [leaves the station pushing the pram]
George: I'm sorry but i'm gonna take this all the way to the DA and he's gonna have your badge.
Symes: You don't know what the DA is do you?
George: Not really no.
- [Interior shot of Northolt Health Centre]
- [Scene: Northolt Health Centre, George and Janet walk in.]
George: You see Janet, i told you the Police wouldn't help.
Janet: You were the one that wanted to go and know you've just made him suspicious.
George: He can sniff around all he wants, i've got nothing to hide.
Janet: Apart from the fact that you're Thermoman.
George: Oh yes good point. [he sniffs a disaster]
Janet: What is it?
George: [sighs] More crime, the wolf's up to his old tricks again.
Janet: The Wolf?
George: Jean Pierre Wolfavitz the famous art thief.
Janet: The one with thirty-five Ferraris?
George: That's him, when will he realise that crime doesn't pay? [George walks into the Gents to transform into Thermoman]
Janet: When indeed. [walks past Mrs. Raven]
Mrs. Raven: Right, oh dear, well boil up some water, yeah, pop in some honey, then some lemon, then pop in the hamster and it'll be done in ten minutes. [Janet turns to Mrs. Raven with a shocked look on her face, Mrs. Raven puts the phone down and turns to Janet.] Triplets, Home Economics project.
Janet: [spots Mrs. Raven is reading a holiday magazine] Oh, you going on holiday?
Mrs. Raven: Yeah it's half-term i was thinking of taking the triplets to Mexico.
Janet: Oh that's nice.
Mrs. Raven: And leaving them there.
Janet: Mrs. Raven you can't do that.
Mrs. Raven: I know i'm a thousand pounds short on the flights, but i've got a plan.
Janet: [spots Mrs. Raven is reading a holiday magazine] Oh, you going on holiday?
Piers: What d'you think? [Shows them a poster for the art competion showing Piers posing while painting a heart. The caption reads "THE BEST PAINTING WINS £100.]
Janet: [reads the speech bubble next to Piers on the picture] 'Doctors orders don't bypass your art.'
Janet: Very creative.
Mrs. Raven: Took you all morning to think that up didn't it.
Piers: [Piers' smile turns into a frown] No.
Janet: Is this part of our mother's art fair?
Piers: Yes i just want to support it, as you know i take a close personal interest in the um.
Janet: Playground Action Group.
Piers: Exactly, yes and i want to be a paitent of the arts. If Anthea Turner can finance her own prize what's stopping me?
Janet: Anthea Turner?
Piers: You have heard of the Turner prize?
Mrs. Raven: [to Janet] He'd make the pot noodle seem cultured.
Piers: Oh you may scoff but it was your idea for me to encourage local artists.
Mrs. Raven: Not for a hundred quid.
Piers: But real artists don't do it for the money.
Mrs. Raven: Tracey Emin don't get out of bed unless you buy it for thirty grand.
Piers: I don't suppose you've got a better idea.
- [Mrs. Raven puts up a large post with the head 'THE PIERS PRIZE' with a picture of Piers with the first price identified as £1,000.]
Piers: 'The Piers prize. [laughs] Actually that's got quite a ring to it. Hang on it says that the first prize is a thousand pounds?
Janet: Well that's the cost if you want to become a financialist.
Piers: Janet, i'm not going back to medical school. [he walks off into his office]
Mrs. Raven: [Mrs. Raven sings] Going loco down in Acapulco, if you stay too long. [she stops] Which the triplets will.
Janet: So i take it you're gonna enter the Piers prize?
Mrs. Raven: Maybe.
Janet: And, can you paint?
Mrs. Raven: No, but lets just say i'm very creative.
- [Janet smiles]
- [Scene: 57 Linden Court, the living room. Janet walks past Ollie as Tyler is on the sofa.]
Janet: So have you been on the climbing frame again?
Ollie: No it's boring [looks at a shot of the Eifel Tower on TV] i wanna go on that climbing frame.
Janet: Ollie it's the Eifel Tower and daddy doesn't want to catch you up there again.
Ollie: Why does daddy get to play on it?
Janet: [to Tyler] Oh turn it up. [Tyler turns the volume up]
Natasha Kaplinsky: Following the audacious theft of the Mona Lisa earlier today Thermoman finally caught up with the art thief after a dramatic chase up the Eifel tower. [news footage is shown of Thermoman flying rings up the Eifel tower before finally landing on the top] The Police have praised Thermoman's arrest... [Tyler turns the tv off]
George: [arrives in the flat with the Mona Lisa and the Wolf's robbing gear] I'm back.
Tyler: Well done oh great one.
Janet: Um George what is that priceless painting doing in our flat?
George: You told me not to be late for lunch.
Tyler: You know this was Leonardo's second attempt?
Tyler: The first one didn't really work because she had her eyes shut.
Tyler: Actually, i'm glad Leo did a portrait of her and not me.
George: You mean, we nearly had the Mona Tyler?
Tyler: Oh, it's okay, he put me in the last supper.
Janet: Which one were you?
Tyler: You mean to say you don't recognise me? [holds a bread stick and poses, opening his mouth]
George: Oh right yes, yes. [the doorbell rings] Oh.
Tyler: [picks up the bag] What's in the bag master?
George: It's the wolf's equipment. [opens for door to see Detective Symes] Ah Detective Symes, you're too late, i've made my own arrangments for tracking down Tommy Butler. [starts closing the door but Symes stops him]
Symes: That's exactly what i've come to talk to you about. I presume, [holds up a Wanted poster for Tommy Butler with a contact message below Ollie's drawing. Contact George Sunday. Flat 59 Waverley Court, Jordan Road - Northolt UB5 3AC] this is your handiwork?
Janet: [reads the poster] 'This boy should be considered dangerous'? [takes the poster off Symes]
Symes: We've taken down over five hundred of these.
George: Taken them down?
Symes: We could charge you with invasion of... [notices Tyler trying on the Robber's mask and crowbar] Privacy.
George: Charge me? Charge me all of a sudden i'm the criminal oh i like that. I try to protect the innocent members of this family from attackers, and evil-doers. And i end up being accused of invasion of privacy oh i like that indeed i do we are a simple household of innocent, law-abiding, peaceful citizens with nothing, nothing to hide!
Symes: [walks to the dinner table and turns round to see the Mona Lisa] Art lovers are we?
George: That's not ours.
Symes: [Symes picks the Mona Lisa up and takes a more thorough look at it] You are so nicked.
- [Scene: Northolt Police Station, interview room. George is being questioned by Symes.]
Symes: [turns the tape on] Detective Symes conducting interview with George Sunday at 3:19 P.M.. Please confirm to the tape that you are George Sunday.
George: [waves at the tape] Hello i'm George Sunday.
Symes: Thank you.
George: Now, i think it's only fair if you tell me which cop you are, are you the good one or the bad one?
Symes: Listen son, this is for real, and let me tell you summink for free [threatening] i'm your worst nightmare.
George: No i don't think you are. You see my worst nightmare is when i dream i've left the oven on and the whole house has burnt down, and i run out of the burning building, only to be greeted by everybody i have ever met, and they're all laughing and i look down and i'm stark naked.
Symes: I just hope you made your phone call count.
George: I certainly did.
Pizza Delivery Boy: [knocks on the door and enters] Pizza for George Sunday. [George gives the Delivery boy the money and takes the pizza, the Delivery boy exits the room.]
George: [opens the box] Help yourself. [Symes facepalms as George grabs a slice and bites it]
Symes: Right Sunday, perhaps you could tell me where you was at noon today.
George: Now wait a minute, was that when the Mona Lisa was stolen?
George: I can't tell you.
Symes: Alright then what about Febraury the 12th, when that Picasso went walkabouts.
George: Oh i remember that clearly, that was the day the volcano in the Pacific erupted.
Symes: So where were you?
George: I can't tell you.
Symes: Okay then, maybe you can tell me how you ended up with a load of professional art nabbing gear, and a Mona Lisa in your living room!
George: Nope i can't tell you that either, but believe me, it's a very very good excuse, you'd love it.
Symes: What planet are you from?
George: And i can't tell you that either.
Arnie: [enters wearing a suit] George Sunday, don't say anything.
Symes: You're his defense are you?
Arnie: I've work with this client before.
Symes: Oh, so there's a record then?
Arnie: No i mean, that's entractment. May i speak with my client?
George: May i speak with my lawyer?
Symes: Yes, fine.
- [Dobbs enters the room and talks to Symes while Arnie sits down and talks with George]
George: Arnie, why can't i have a proper lawyer?
Arnie: Because you're a superhero.
George: Oh yes.
Arnie: Anyway, i can be a lawyer, i'm not the moron you think i am.. oh Pizza. [grabs a slice and starts eating]
Symes: [is given a sheet of paper concerning the Mona Lisa by Dobbs] Thank you Dobbs.
Arnie: [talks with Symes while eating] Now listen, you got nothing on my client. How do you even know that that's the original.
Symes: Well lets find out shall we, it says here that one identifer is that the original has Leonardo's thumbprint on the back. [looks at the back of the portrait] Well i don't see any.
Arnie: There you see, i trust my client's free to go...
George: [spots the thumbprint and points at it] Here it is, here it is look yes-yes-yes-yes. [Arnie bangs his head on the table]
- [Scene: Northolt Police Station, the waiting room. Ella and Stanley are waiting, Stanley is reading the Northolt Gazette.]
Stanley: They haven't found the Mona Lisa yet.
Ella: I wouldn't give it back to the french, they'd only eat it.
Stanley: They reckon Thermoman might have nicked it, no he wouldn't have done that.
Ella: Stanley, even the most mildest man at person is capable of comitting the most diabolical crime. [Ella turns to see if there's any sign of George]
Stanley: Don't i know it. [Ella turns back to Stanley with a frown on her face] What are we doing here?
Ella: We have to be here for George, for when he comes out.
Stanley: Oh that's nice, you've finally accepted him into the family.
Ella: [George is at reception with Symes and Dobbs, Ella points at him] That's him, that's the man, he did it.
Symes: Did what?
Ella: Whatever it was you arrested him for i can testify.
George: Hello Ella.
Ella: You see, he recognises me that's clearly a sign of guilt.
Symes: Why do i get all the nutters?
- [Scene: Northolt Health Centre, reception. Janet looks at Mrs. Raven's flight.]
Janet: Oh, upgrading to first class, isn't that a bit expensive?
Mrs. Raven: Very, but i'm on to it. Phase one, i've got something to win the Piers prize with. [hands her a photo]
Janet: Euugh, what is that?
Mrs. Raven: My unmade bed, well if it works for Tracey Emin why wouldn't it work for me.
Janet: Is that what i think it is?
Mrs. Raven: Probably.
Janet: And how d'you know this is gonna win?
Mrs. Raven: Ah that'll be phase two.
Man: [a man arrives with a painting] Can i leave this here for the Piers prize?
Mrs. Raven: By all means.
Man: Thanks, [crosses his fingers] fingers crossed.
Mrs. Raven: [crosses two fingers on both her hands, pretending to be hopeful, she then turns to Janet] Phase two. [puts the painting in a shredder and shreds it] Eliminate the competition.
- [Piers walks out of his office dressed up as Andy Warhol]
Janet: What are you wearing?
Piers: It's the Warhol look.
Mrs. Raven: It's the something-hole look.
Piers: I just heard a loud wurring sound.
Mrs. Raven: Ah that'll be Mr. Wilson's pacemaker.
Piers: Ah then i better see him next.
Mrs. Raven: [to Mr. Wilson] You, in.
Piers: You haven't saw any entries for the Piers prize.
Mrs. Raven: No.
Piers: I only want people to paint a few old masters, is that, too much to ask?
Mrs. Raven: Well it is for a thousand pounds, your gonna have to got a bit higher.
Piers: Well what to?
Mrs. Raven: Five thousand, and ninty-three pound and twenty-six P.
Piers: Yes, yes whatever gets me lunch with Melvin Bragg.
Mrs. Raven: [Mrs. Raven puts a banner on the Piers prize poster over the original prize with the new one] Oh see it's working already. [a woman walks in with a sculpture]
Piers: Oh yes very alluring, not you obviously. Thanks for bringing it in, Mrs. Raven can you put this with all the others. [Piers puts it on the reception desk, the woman leaves and Piers goes to his office]
- [Mrs. Raven looks shocked]
Janet: It's good isn't it?
Mrs. Raven: I can't shred that.
Janet: D'you like it?
Mrs. Raven: No it'll clog the shredder.
Janet: Won't it look suspicious if yours is the only entry for the Piers prize?
Mrs. Raven: Well i could always submit a second piece, under a pseudonym. Hamster in Formalderhyde.
Janet: Piers has seen this one now.
Mrs. Raven: Yeah, okay Plan B, get the curator to damage the opposition.
Janet: Who's the curator?
Mrs. Raven: Me. [Mrs. Raven gives the sculpture to Janet] I can be ever so careless. [Mrs. Raven grabs a baseball bat, Janet recoils as Mrs. Raven prepares to hit the sculpture]
- [Scene flash]
- [Scene: 57 Linden Court, the living room. Janet and Tyler are on the sofa while George and Arnie stand up next to the coffee table.]
Janet: So when Symes discovered it was the original what did he do?
George: He just kept punching the air and, going on about a promotion after all these years.
Janet: After that.
George: He did a dance like this. [dances to the door and back again excitedly]
Janet: And after that?
George: He put a tracking tag on me. [pulls up his right trouser sleeve revealing the tag strapped above his ankle]
Janet: I hope you've got a good lawyer.
George: I certainly have. [smiles and puts his arm around Arnie and pats his belly, he smiles gratefully]
Janet: Oh dear.
Arnie: Hey, i've made a very sound assessment of George's legal position.
Janet: What is it?
Arnie: He's in big dudu.
Arnie: He's looking at fifteen years.
Tyler: Don't worry master, there's a full proof way of getting out of prison. It's dead simple, you only need on thing.
George: What's that?
Tyler: The key.
George: Thanks for trying Tyler, but if this goes to a trial they might discover i'm Thermoman.
Arnie: And i'll have to wear on of those stupid wigs. [sits down on the single sofa]
Janet: We need to come up with a plan.
Arnie: And we need it fast cos they're taking the painting to the lab tomorrow.
Janet: That might just buy us enough time. If we can get the Mona Lisa out of Northolt Police Station and replace it with a fake, and when they inspect it in the morning they'll just assume Symes is a really sad case with a personal grudge against George.
Arnie: I was gonna suggest running away but i could go with that.
George: [enters through the bathroom holding the painting] Right now, there's the fakes for your mum. [puts them on the sofa and takes the Mona
Janet: We will need a fake Mona Lisa it doesn't even have to be a very good one.
Tyler: Will this do? [opens up his jacket to reveal he has a Mona Lisa t-shirt]
Janet: Probably better than that.
George: The wolf had loads of copies in his hideout.
Janet: Oh great and while you're there get any other fakes for mum's art fair.
Arnie: And when you fly into the station to make the switch we need to create a diversion, any ideas?
Tyler: Oo-oo, how about, we get Snow White and the Seven Dwarves to pass by. Except, except there's eight dwarves and while the policeman's counting them, he thinks did i count seven or eight so he counts them again and he counts eight. But because he knows it's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, [points to his forehead] he thinks he's going mad... sorry what was the question again?
Arnie: We'll think of something on the way.
- [Later on, from left to right, George, Tyler, Janet wearing a black coat and wig with Arnie in his normal clothes all wearing sunglasses walk through a parking lot in the night. Tyler stops George from walking in the wrong direction.]
George: [pulls the sunglasses up, turns to Tyler] Can't see a thing.
- [Scene: Northolt Police Station, the waiting room. Tyler is eating from a bag while Arnie and Janet sit down.]
Janet: [to Arnie] Okay, i'll scream and faint, you call the policeman over, and Tyler will check that the coast is clear. [Turns to Check on Tyler]
- [Tyler walks over to Dobbs at reception]
Janet: Just waiting for Tyler to get into position.
- [Tyler walks to Dobbs at reception who is on the phone]
Dobbs: [to Tyler] Ne with you in a minute.
Tyler: D'you like Peardrops.
Dobbs: [looks in the bag]] Oo yeah i do. [reaches in and grabs one, which he eats then tastes something weird] Euugh, these taste like mothballs.
Tyler: They are mothballs, i just wished they where Peardrops.
- [Dobbs runs off to spit it out]
Janet: Great improvising Tyler.
Arnie: The eagle has flown the nest, repeat the eagle has flown the nest.
Janet: What are you talking into?
Arnie: Nothing, George has super hearing.
- [George flies past them appearing to be merely a red tail of light to take the Mona Lisa and immediately flies back]
Janet: Okay let's go. [the three leave]
- [Scene flash]
- [Exterior shot of 57 Linden Court at nightime]
Janet: [they all walk in] Mission accomplished.
Arnie: [takes his red cap off] Man i haven't been this exhilarated since that night me and Mrs. Raven got on top of one of the Lions in Trafalgar Square and started... [does Pelvic thrusts]
Janet: [raises her hand] Thank you Arnie. [lowers it] That's an image that will stay with me for far too long.
George: [enters through the bathroom] Right now, there's the fakes for your mum. [puts them down and goes to the front door holding the Mona Lisa] Now, let's get this back to Paris.
Ella: Janet, come away from that criminal at once.
Stanley: George Sunday you may have taken my daughter, but i will not have you bring shame on this family.
Ella: [shocked] Oh Stanley.
George: But, i've got some stuff for the art fair.
Stanley: And if you think you can buy your way into our affection with some hot knock-offs, you've got another thing coming. [punches a hole into the Mona Lisa]
Ella: Stanley, i've never seen you like this before.
Stanley: [points to the front door] Wait in the car dear, [pulls his sleeves up] i'm not finished yet.
Ella: Whatever you say darling. [walks out]
Janet: Now dad the thing you need to understand...
Stanley: [Stanley suddenly becomes calm] No i'm sure there's a perfectly good reason, the ladies from the Playground Action Group are aware of George's problems with the Police, and if Ella's chucked out, i'll never get any peace.
Janet: Oh it's alright dad we're sorting it out.
Stanley: Oh good, sorry about the picture. [pulls the tear in the Mona Lisa]
Janet: [nervously] Heh, it's not as if it's the actual, genuine and irreplaceable Mona Lisa is it. [George tries to speak but Janet interrupts him] Not now George.
Stanley: I'll pick up the others later, i'll talk her round. [walks out]
Arnie: [looks at the Mona Lisa] Oops!
George: [Hands Janet the Mona Lisa] If anyone wants me, i'll be on Venus.
Janet: [stops him] No, [to Arnie and Tyler] what are we going to do?
Tyler: Oh don't worry mistress, we could always get Leonardo to paint another.
Janet: [sighs] Tyler you do not know Leonardo da Vinci he died 500 years ago.
George: He didn't actually, he's alive and well and living on Ultron.
Janet: Leonardo da Vinci is Ultronian?
Arnie: In 1500 he was designing helicopters and tanks, does that sound like the behaviour of a normal Human being?
Janet: Good point.
George: I'll go and get him. [he flies off]
- [George's movements are tracked on a montior by Dobbs in the station, the montior shows that George has travelled 2812 miles then 2813.]
George: Sunday's on the move again sir.
Symes: [in a smug tone] This time we're tracking him all the way, i've got him. [makes fists and thrusts down] Yes!
- [as Symes is away, the monitor changes from 2814 to 37,627 to 831'093 to 286,175,059 then changes to the message "SYSTEM ERROR"]
Dobbs: Sir! [Dobbs taps the montior with his pen, it explodes burning his finger.]
- [Cut to the flat where George has arrived.]
George: [walks to a blank canvas slowly followed by Leonardo da Vinci] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Leonardo da Vinci.
Janet: Oh dear.
George: Be fair Janet, he's 552.
Tyler: [Waves to Leo] Ciao Leo.
Leonardo da Vinci: Ciao Tyler, [Leo speaks in Italian to Tyler, translation following] It's wonderful to see you!
- [Janet and Arnie look at each other, shocked.]
Tyler: [speaks Italian to Leo] You're looking very well, not a day over 530.
Janet: Um, Tyler, can you ask him to paint another Mona Lisa?
Tyler: Can you paint the Mona Lisa for us again?
Leo: Do you want her eyes open or closed?
Tyler: [Tyler laughs] Open.
Leo: [Leo walks to the blank canvas and paints the Mona Lisa in Ultronian superspeed, he then stands back and admires his work.] Bella.
Janet: [takes a look at it with Arnie] Oh dear.
- [The Mona Lisa is shown with a Blue theme]
Leo: [Leo explains to Tyler] I'm in my Blue period. I never got one and Picasso hogged the market.
Tyler: [in English to Janet] He says he's in a Blue period.
George: Can you ask him to paint one like the original?
Tyler: [in Italian] Can you paint one like the old one.
Leo: Not that old cliched crap.
Tyler: He says it's old cliched crap.
Arnie: [takes the frame off the base] Tell him we like the old cliched crap.
Tyler: Oh come on Arnie you gotta see it from Leo's point of view. Art has moved on beyond, mere representation, to something more asthetic, metapyshical and almost, spiritual.
Janet: You seem to know a lot about art.
Tyler: Well to be honest, i lost interest in the art establishment when i won the Turner pPrize.
Janet: You won the Turner Prize?
Tyler: Yeah, i fell asleep in a chair at the Tate Modern and when i woke up, i found out i'd been sold to Osachi for half a million quid.
Arnie: Tell him, Picasso thinks the Mona Lisa was a fluke.
Tyler: [in Italian to Leo] Picasso thinks the Mona Lisa was a fluke.
- [Leo scoffs at this claim and repaints the Mona Lisa, when he's finished, he marks his painted thumb on the back of the painting and steps back.]
Arnie: Fantastic, they'll never know the difference.
Janet: Cept that the paint's still wet.
George: [George uses his Thermobreath to dry it] Not anymore, [takes the new Mona Lisa] hear the name, Thermoman and George Sunday. [leaves]
Arnie: [picks up the Blue Mona Lisa and asks Janet] Can i have this one?
- [Thermoman flies above Earth's atmosphere and to Paris, past the Eifel Tower]
Natasha Kaplinsky: [on the News] The Mona Lisa has been returned to the Louve safe and sound by Thermoman. Jean Pierre Wolfavitz known as "The Wolf", has been arrested and has subsequently confessed to a string of other art thefts. In a seperate development on Thermoman's advice, a Policeman from Northolt has been charged with wrongful arrest and wasting Police time.
- [Cut to the Art Fair at the Health Centre, Piers comes out of his office to greet the visitors wearing a hilarious outfit holding the trophy.]
Piers: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Piers prize.
Piers: Oh yes and charity art fair. Now let's look at some of the finest work that Northolt, has to offer. [Piers raises his hand to the paintings, which to his shock, he has discovered they have all been damaged] Ye, Gods.
- [The man from earlier who left his painting for the Piers prize arrives]
Man: Where's my watercolour?
Mrs. Raven: There. [points to a plastic bag on display containing the shredded remains of his watercolour.
Piers: [pulls Mrs. Raven back to talk in private] What happened?
Mrs. Raven: Well i admit there was some damage during the storing, and handling.
Piers: And the shredding?
Mrs. Raven: They're not all damaged, look at that one. [points to the Blue Mona Lisa which is being admired by an art professional]
Gerard: Such a clever piece.
Piers: Oh come on it's just cheap and tacky.
Mrs. Raven: You haven't met Gerard from the Royal Academy, personal friend of Melvin Bragg?
Piers: Tacky yet, stimulating and inspiration in it's, naive blueness.
Gerard: And who is this Mrs. Raven? [points to Mrs. Raven's signature on the bottom of the painting.
Mrs. Raven: I claim my prize now. [takes the trophy out of Pier's hands, he then leaves]
Arnie: [walks to Mrs. Raven in his Hawaiian shirt, watching Piers as he leaves. Mrs. Raven waves the cheque in the trophy at him.] Commission?
Mrs. Raven: Later.
- [Arnie and Mrs. Raven move their tongue in and out at each other]
Arnie: Lucky the academy guy liked it.
Mrs. Raven: I don't leave anything to chance. [gives a ten pound note to Gerrard]
Gerard: Thanks treacle, [in her ear] anytime.
- [Mrs. Raven giggles as Arnie looks annoyed]
Ella: We're never gonna raise any money at this rate.
George: How about auctioning these? [shows them a copy of "Sunflowers" by Vincent Van Gogh]
Ella: Well, i really don't think...
Stanley: [interrupts Ella and takes the two paintings off George] The-the-the they'll be fine. And there'll be no more trouble with the Police.
George: Oh don't worry all the charges have been dropped.
Stanley: I should think so, or you'll be for the high jump.
Ella: [impressed] Oh Stanley.
George: Now, has anyone seen this boy? [holds up the wanted poster for Tommy Butler]
Janet: No George we need to keep a bit of a low profile.
Janet: You know the Wolf's other art thefts well, apparently he'd been keeping the originals in his hideout.
George: You mean?
Piers: [is given the Sunflower painting by Ella] Right well, let's start the auction. [clears his throat] Who'll give me a tenner, for these lovely sunflowers?
Janet: [raises her hand as George appears nervous] Um.
- [End Credits]