- [Opening Credits]
- [Scene: Linden Court, outside the doors of Tyler's and Janet and George's flat. George, Janet, Ollie and Cassie make their way home.]
George: I just think it's important the children learn to swim as soon as possible.
Janet: Not across the North Atlantic though George.
Ollie: I swam two lengths.
Cassie: Yeah with armbands.
George: Actually, the swimming trip was just to get everyone out of the flat for an hour, while Arnie set up a little suprise.
- [Scene flash]
- [Janet and George enter the room pushing Ollie and Cassie in their prams.]
Janet: What the hell is this?.
Arnie: [Standing in front of a giant old style computer wired up to a PC.] Tah-dah! Your new computer.
George: Arnie it's brilliant!
Janet: Out of laptops where they?
Arnie: Well, your normal family computer is there [Points to the PC.] but your not a normal family so i thought i'd add some Ultronian accessories ya know, like extra processing power, virtual reality headsets, laser death beam.
Janet: Laser death beam?
Arnie: You'll think of a use for it.
Janet: Think i just have.
Arnie: Sheesh, you do a favour for someone out of the kindest of your own heart and this is the response you get.
George: [Looks through his check book] How much do i owe ya?
Arnie: Twenty thousand pounds.
Janet: No chance, Arnie, take it down it's far too big.
Arnie: Actually it gives you more space and more leisure time, for example, it's allowed me to store your entire music and video collection on this pea.
Janet: How do i play it back?
Arnie: You can't, hence the extra leisure time.
Janet: Just dismantle it.
George: Come on Janet, after two weeks with a matter transportation device you'd never know how you managed without one. Look, take any object, [Picks up a set of keys and puts them in the pod] put it in the pod transport it and then. Actually it's more useful if you've got two of them.
Janet: I just want something for typing and accounts and maybe some games for the children.
Cassie: And the internet mummy.
George: I've heard there's some pretty filthy stuff on the internet.
Arnie: Rest assured George, i can personally guranntee you there's absolutely loads of it.
Janet: Where's that come from? [Points to the PC showing a picture of a naked woman loading.]
Ollie: [Typing on a keyboard] The Internet. [Janet takes the keyboard off him]
Janet: Arnie, get rid of that as well.
Cassie: Dad, please let us have the internet.
George: Well i don't know, let me have a look at it first, see if it's suitable for you.
Janet: Good idea.
Arnie: So your wife's asking you to check out the most degrading sites of the internet?
George: Yeah.
Arnie: You're my kind of superhero George.
- [Scene flash]
- [Scene: Northolt Health Centre, Mrs. Raven is one the phone, Janet walks in.]
Mrs. Raven: Goodbye [Puts the phone down.].
Janet: Busy morning?
Mrs. Raven: The nuisance calls you know the sorta thing, 'help my underpants are on fire'. Then two death threats and even a bomb scare.
Janet: There's not much you can do.
Mrs. Raven: I could stop making them, but then i'd just be bored.
Piers Crispin: [Walks in.] Oh it's that time of year again.
Mrs. Raven: You cured someone!
[Pause]
Piers: No it's inspection time a whole day of some boxticker peering over our shoulders, interferring with our work it's burr.
Janet: You're scared we're gonna fail it.
Piers: Absolutely terrified, last year we rated significantly below average.
Mrs. Raven: And you had to bribe him for that.
Piers: I didn't bribe him i just happened to have a couple of plane tickets i couldn't use because... [pauses].
Mrs. Raven: Because they weren't yours, [to Janet] they were meant to fly those dying paitents to Lourdes.
Piers: Anyway, the point is if we score that low again they will close us down, we need to prepare.
Mrs. Raven: Bit late for you to go back to medical school.
Piers: [[[Tyler]] walks in dressed in overalls covered in paint holding a bucket of paint and a paint brush.] Which is why i have this ace up my sleeve to impress the inspectors.
Mrs. Raven: You're going to exhibit him as a freak?
Piers: No but write that idea down. Tyler has kindly agreed to paint the waiting room for us, make it more attractive.
Janet: Tyler, you're not trained as a decorator.
Tyler: Not trained as a nanny but you let me look after your kids.
Janet: Yeah but this is serious, you need to do a good job.
Tyler: I will, i know someone who does that decorating on the TV, he gived me some tips.
Janet: Who do you know, Lawrence llewelyn Bowen?
Tyler: No the Dulux dog, we go out for a drink sometimes.
Janet: [Nods her head] Right, and what tips did he give you?
Tyler: Erm, never sniff another dog's bottom without asking permission.
Janet: Piers i can only assume you're not paying him much.
Piers: On the contrary he drove a very hard bargain.
Tyler: If i do this, he's agreed to give me free year's medical treatment.
Janet: Which you're entitled to anyway.
poem>Tyler: What?.</poem>
Piers: Yes lets not split hairs Janet, we've done a deal and i'm not going to back out of it now. Get to work.
- [Tyler walks off]
Mrs. Raven: You really think a bit of paint will be enough to fool the inspector?
Piers: No not really but my only other idea seems rather unrealistic.
Janet: What is it?
Piers: [to Mrs. Raven] I was going to ask if... no it's silly.
Mrs. Raven: Go on Doctor spit it out.
Piers: I was going to ask if you could be, nice. [Mrs. Raven appears shocked] Not so much of a, cow. [Mrs. Raven seems mildly offended] No i know, castles in the air, forget i mentioned it.
Mrs. Raven: I could try.
Piers: Really? It would only be for a day.
Mrs. Raven: Problem is i've got a lot of hatred in me, i really need to express it somehow.
Piers: Well, how about for the next day or so you could be as vindictive as you like, really let rip. You know, get it all out of your system before the inspection.
Mrs. Raven: Well.
Piers: What do you say? [Mrs. Raven punches Piers, knocking him down, he gradually gets back up] Thank you Mrs. Raven i, really do appreciate it [he collapses].
Mrs. Raven: [to Janet] We all gotta do our bit.
- [Scene: 59 Linden Court, George is on the computer, Janet walks in.]
Janet: How's the research going George?
George: Great, i've read the internet.
Janet: Oh which bit?
George: No i've read the internet, the whole thing.
Janet: You can't have read the whole thing George it's vast, it'd be like reading the sum total of all Human knowledge.
George: I know, two hours it took me. Did you know, there are 34 species of Seahorse, the smooth Seahorse, the Pygmy Seahorse, the bullneck Seahorse...
Janet: I didn't really need to know that.
George: But you need to know this, the Seahorse is the emblem of a group of Jehova's Witnesses who secretly run the British government.
<poem>Janet: That's not true.
George: [there's a knock at the door] It's them.
Janet: Most of those conspiracy theories are rubbish George.
George: So it's not true that aliens walk the Earth disguised in Human form?
Janet: No that's true you are one.
George: Ah.
Arnie: [Janet opens the door for him] Just come for the rest of the stuff.
Janet: Oh right. [to George] All i mean is there's a lot of strange people on the internet.
George: Nice one's too though. Hey Arnie i met some of the old guys from back home.
Arnie: How?
George: Ultronians Reunited. All the old gang from Superhero Academy, lads i travelled through wormholes and explored new galaxies with.
Arnie: Oh what are they up to these days?
George: Ah they mostly work in IT.
Janet: [Arnie walks out] You've had a busy day then?
George: Oh you'd never believe the things you could do on here Janet, sell your house, get married, buy Human organs it's amazing.
Janet: Nobodys daft enough to buy Human organs on the internet.
George: No absolutely. Maybe you should let me open the post for the next few days.
Janet: Right.
George: And another thing, [pop-up sound] have you had an accident or injury at work that wasn't your fault?
Janet: No why?
George: Because, [pop-up sound] you can borrow up to £50,000 click here.
Janet: [Arnie walks in] Arnie, what's wrong with George?
Arnie: He's too honest and his feet smell.
Janet: No no i mean today, he's acting really weird.
George: No i'm not [pop-up sound] i'm a Nigerian business man with an urgent business proposal.
Arnie: Uh-oh looks like he's got the pop-ups.
Janet: What?
Arnie: It's like the internet's infected his brain with a virus, not much you can do about it.
George: [pop-up sound] Visit my online casino now click here.
Janet: You mean he's going to keep doing this forever?
Arnie: Fraid so, the way to cure him is through an Ultronian neural filtration device, like this one. [Arnie picks it up.] Problem is, it ain't part of your bog-standard Earth computer, so you wouldn't wanna use it.
Janet: [pop-up sound] Shut up George. Alright Arnie i'm sorry please forgive me, i was wrong and let us use your wonderful, space walkman.
Arnie: Thank you.
Janet: [they walk up to George] Right, what does it do exactly?
Arnie: In layman's terms, it sucks his brains out through his ears and puts them on CD.
Janet: And in scientific terms?
Arnie: It sucks his brains out through his ears and puts them on CD.
Janet: No thank you very much.
Arnie: We do this all the time on Ultron, you have a nasty predjudice or painful memory, you just plug those in and you filter them out.
Janet: Does it hurt?
Arnie: Hmm can do.
Janet: Okay lets do it.
[Scene flash]
Arnie: Job done. [picks up a CD] Ten CDs of spam, viruses and Britney Spears, [throws it away] and one George full of mental vitality.
Janet: George, George are you alright.
George: System error, system error, this system will self-destruct in five, four, three...
Janet: George!
George: Only joking Janet, i feel great.
Janet: You git.
George: I feel so vigorous and clear minded, i feel like i'm 120 again.
Arnie: See.
George: You should really try this you know.
Janet: Why? Are you inferring i've got a clogged up brain as well?
George: No i'm impiling that you've got a clogged up brain, you're the one whose inferring it.
Janet: Well thanks for the other but don't really want my brain sucked out onto a CD.
George: Hmm it'd be great for work, you'd feel more confident and people would admire your sharp mind.
Janet: Maybe i could give them a copy of it to take home with them.
George: You see, that was sarcasm, normally i'd notice that but today, i'm as bright as a shiny new pin.
Janet: Yes George you're such a bright and perceptive man it's a pleasure to be around you.
George: Thank you very much.
[Scene flash]
George: [George finishes crosswords on various newspapers] Telegraph crossword done, Guardian crossword done and the vast majority of the Smash Hits crossword done. [the doorbed rings, George gets up to answer the door] Not bad for five minute's work. [he opens the door to see Ella and Stanley.] Ella, Stanley, what a pleasure it is to see you.
Ella Dawkins: Speak for yourself, [she walks in] is Janet here?
George: No, she just left for work.
Ella: Oh, i wanted to tell her i've lost my purse and i'm sure it was stolen by that Liverpudlian lunatic.
George: Tyler?
Ella: Who else would i mean?
George: Not Sonia?
Ella: No George i do mean Tyler.
Stanley Dawkins: Let's not jump to conclusions Ella.
Ella: I last saw my purse yesterday in the Health Centre and that ghastly man Tyler was there, that's all the evidence i need.
George: Come on Ella that's hardly evidence.
Ella: He's got a tattoo.
Stanley: I don't know George i'm not predjudice against him i judge every man on his own merit but er.
George: What?
Stanley: Well he is from Liverpool.
Ella: Stanley we'll get nothing useful out of George let's go straight to the Police.
George: Hang on.
Ella: What is it?
George: There's a CD on here which explains why Tyler is innocent. [they walk to the Coffee table, George picks up the Ultronian walkman] Now, why don't you have a listen.
Ella: That's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard.
George: You're right. [George sticks headphones in their ears, putting them in a trance.]
[Scene flash]
- [Scene: Northolt Health Centre, Tyler adds the finishing touches to the wall. Piers walks in, mortified at what he sees.]
Piers: [slowly] What the hell is that?
Tyler: This a health centre, so i came up with a design which represents sickness.
Piers: Well it certainly does that Tyler.
Tyler: Thank you.
Piers: It looks like you've vomited up the wall.
<poem>Tyler: That's only part of my technique.
Piers: Get rid of it.
Tyler: What?
Piers: You were meant to paint the walls harvest yellow not mucus green.
Tyler: Everyone's a critic.
Piers: And you better finish it today else i'll be practicing medicine on the back of a van on some wasteground, and i don't want to go back to those days. [he walks off] That'll make my paitents sicker than when they came in.
Mrs. Raven: And that's your job [she brushes Pier's blazer with green paint].
Piers: [looks down on his blazer] Mrs. Raven.
Mrs. Raven: Just getting all the malice out my system before the inspection doctor.
Piers: Right, i assume you responsible for the rusty nails sticking out of my chair this morning?
Mrs. Raven: Yeah.
Piers: For what it's worth i'm almost certain i've contracted tetanus.
Mrs. Raven: I hope it kills you, you incompetant old quack.
Piers: Excellant, carry on. [he walks to his office]
Tyler: Er, by the way, i found this purse on the floor yesterday, it's still got all the money in.
Mrs. Raven: [she takes the purse] Oh that's mine i'm always losing it.
Tyler: Er, why has it got a photograph of Janet inside?
Mrs. Raven: You know how fond i am of Janet.
Tyler: Yeah but, and it's also got a piece of paper which says "this belongs to Mrs. Ella Dawkins".
Mrs. Raven: Yeah i must remember to give that piece of paper back. [she walks off]
- [George walks in the health centre with Ella and Stanley]
Tyler: Hello master.
George: Hi Tyler. [to Janet] Janet i've got a suprise for you.
Janet: George if you want to filter my brain you can forget it.
George: No, i want you to meet some people.
Ella: Hello Janet.
Stanley: Hello dear.
Janet: Hello. Is that it?
George: Not quite, ask them a question. Like, what do you think of young people today?
Ella: I think they struggle to deal with a set of pressures from society and the media that we never had to face, and i admire the assurance with which they cope.
George: [looks pleased to Janet] Political correctness, has it gone too far?
Stanley: On the contrary language is a powerful tool and it is incumbent upon all of us, to make sure we do not use it as a weapon.
George: Modern art?
Ella: A provocative response to the post post-modern condition, [turns to Tyler's painting] i was just admiring that challenging mural.
Tyler: Thanks very much.
Janet: Oh god George you've filtered their brains on that stupid machine, how could you?
George: I just tidied them up a bit, remove most of their personalities and your parents are very nice people.
Janet: [looks annoyed] Change them back.
George: But before i did it, they accused Tyler of stealing your mother's purse.
Mrs. Raven: [walks out of Pier's office] Oh don't worry about that, it's here i found it.
George: You see.
Mrs. Raven: Although sadly there's no money in it [tuts] you can't trust anyone these days.
- [Scene: 59 Linden Court, Arnie is on the computer, George walks in.]
George: Arnie, what are you doing?
Arnie: I hope you don't mind George, it's not every day i get the chance to use a new computer. You know this one can do 12 million calculations in just one second.
George: So what are you doing?
Arnie: Playing Minesweeper.
George: Well i've just come to pick up Ella and Stanley's predjudices, so i can put them back in. Where are they? Oh yes. [He picks up a giant box of CDs labelled Stanley and Ella's Predjudices].
Arnie: Put em back why?
George: Janet says i've got to, i know it's silly but there's nothing i can do to change her mind.
Arnie: George there is something you can do to change her mind.
George: [George looks as if he's about to go "ah yeah."] What?
- [Scene flash]
- [Scene: Northolt Health Centre, Piers, Tyler, Janet and Mrs. Raven are on the waiting room chairs unconcious. Mrs. Raven is wearing headphones from the Ultronian walkman. Arnie tends to them.]
George: I do feel a tiny bit guilty about doing this Arnie.
Arnie: Guilty why?
George: I dunno, there's just something about artificially reprogramming my wife's brain.
Arnie: It's all part of a healthy relationship, you affect eachother's thoughts and feelings.
George: Yeah but not with a machine.
Arnie: Okay so ethically it's a grey area, but it's perfectly safe, nothing could possibly go wrong... Whoa! [Arnie and the unconcious Mrs. Raven get an electric shock from the headphones.
George: What's happened?
Arnie: I don't know, i think i underestimated the ammount of pure evil in Mrs. Raven's brain.
George: Can you fix it?
Arnie: [Arnie pats the walkman] No don't think so, ah we filtered the others well enough, lets just call it a day.
George: Is everyone alright? [Everyone regains conciousness, George goes to Janet.] Okay, come on Janet lets get you home.
Janet: [In Piers' body] Okay. [she gets up]
George: [to who he thinks is Piers] What are you doing?
Janet: Oh i'm tired George lets have an early night.
George: What?
Janet: Actually i'm not that tired but we could have an early night anyway [winks].
George: [to whoever is in Janet's body] Are you alright?
Tyler: [in Janet's body but still with his scouse accent] Fine, infact i feel great master.
George: Great who?
Tyler: Master.
George: Janet?
Janet: Yeah?
George: Arnie what have you done?
Arnie: What have i done? I filtered them like you asked, you were the one who loaded their brains back into their bodies.
George: Yeah put you labelled the CDs [picks up one] look J for Janet.
Arnie: That's T for Tyler.
George: That's never a T.
Janet: Come on George early night remember.
Arnie: I'm afraid it is.
George: [to Janet] In a minute sweetheart. [to Arnie] So we've put Janet into Piers, and Tyler into Janet, so that means Tyler must be...
Piers: [in Tyler's body but still with his posh voice] Mrs. Raven if you think i'm paying you overtime to lie around here, you're, sadly mistaken. [looks through his documents] It's the inspection tomorrow so i suggest you return to your coffin, and get a good night's sleep hmphh!
Janet: Lets go George the children will wonder whats happened to me.
Arnie: That's an understatement.
George: Arnie help me.
Arnie: Don't worry George stick with it. Remember, you don't have any predjudices anymore you're open-minded.
George: Yeah not that open-minded.
- [Scene: 59 Linden Court, George speaks to the kids in the living room.]
George: Kids, your mother has changed a little bit, now you won't understand it but...
Ollie: I understand daddy, all women go through a change..
George: Where did you find that out?
Ollie: On the internet.
George: You stay away from that internet.
Cassie: The change is natural daddy, it just means the woman produces less estrogen, is that what's happened?
George: In a way yes it is.
Janet: [just out of the shower] George.
George: Yes Janet.
Janet: I was just in the bathroom and i noticed something really strange.
George: [George looks shocked] Right the thing is...
Janet: Some of the tiles around the sink are loose.
George: The tiles?
Janet: Yeah.
George: That's the strange thing you noticed, nothing else?
Janet: No.
George: Right, well, i'll do a bit of grouting.
Janet: Not tonight though hey, let's get the kids to bed.
George: [laughs nervously] Okay.
Ollie: It's not mummy that's changed it's you.
George: What?
Ollie: You and your special friend, where's mum?
George: That is your mum, there's been a mix up and your mum is temporally a little bit male. Now, try not to mention it to her, until we can get her swapped back. [George goes to the door as Arnie arrives] Arnie, tell me you got a new filter.
Arnie: Bit of a hold-up there George, the wholesalers are out of stock some problem with the post.
George: How long is it going to be?
Arnie: Two days, maybe three certainly no more than a week.
George: Arnie!
Arnie: You'll just have to play along.
George: Well that's the weird thing, he doesn't [corrects himself] she doesn't seem to have noticed, she's acting like the same old Janet.
Arnie: Tyler and Piers are the same.
George: How could they not notice?
Arnie: I guess the shock would be too much to cope with, you know like when somebody loses a leg but they feel like it's still there.
Janet: [walks out of the bedroom] Hi Arnie.
Arnie: Hi Janet.
George: Er Janet, it might be a busy night tonight.
Janet: If you play your cards right [Janet looks in the mirror and sees her body rather than Piers', she brushes her hair.].
Arnie: I have to go i don't feel well.
George: [George gets nervous and watches as Arnie leaves. He then turns to Janet.] No i mean busy with superhero things, best if i sleep on the couch just for tonight, three nights at the most, certainly no more than a week.
Janet: Oh no you don't George [touches his shirt].
George: [he sniffs a false emergency] Uh-oh got to go [[George leaves].
Janet: [annoyed] George.
- [Scene: Northolt Health Centre, the NHS Inspector arrives and introduces herself to Mrs. Raven, who is wearing a more colourful dress and has all the malice out of her system.]
Inspector: Good morning, i'm your health care comission inspector.
Mrs. Raven: I'm Mrs. Raven, devoting myself to the good of your health, care for a tounge scrapper?
Inspector: No, thank you.
Mrs. Raven: [the phone rings] Do excuse me, [she answers the phone] good morning Northolt Health Centre sickly or sore we have a cure Mrs. Raven speaking how may i help... Yeah it really is Mrs. Raven speaking, oh hello George, what do you mean she can't come in today? Well what's wrong with ther.
George: [in the flat] She's really not looking herself. [Janet in Pier's body is behind him in her nurse's uniform.]
Mrs. Raven: Never mind i do hope she gets better soon. [Tyler, still in Janet's body but in his overalls walks in.] I thought you weren't well.
Tyler: Yeah people often think that about me.
Mrs. Raven: Why are you dressed in overalls?
Tyler: For the painting.
Mrs. Raven: Painting? No a paitent's waiting to see you, you've got three malaria shots and a blood test to do.
Tyler: Erm, okay, i suppose i could give it a go, i'll try anything, [to Janet's paitent] come on love. [they walk to Janet's office]
Piers: [still in Tyler's body but in a suit] Good morning Mrs. Raven, ah you must be our inspector, please accept these flowers, as a token.
Mrs. Raven: Don't touch them, they're probably poisonous.
Piers: I beg your pardon i'm trying to greet our vistor.
Mrs. Raven: Oh no, no you don't, Dr. Crispin stated clearly that you were to be kept as far away from the inspector as possible.
Piers: But i am Dr. Crispin.
Mrs. Raven: I think the paint fumes have got to him, he's normally quite harmless.
Piers: I'm not harmless i'm Dr. Piers Crispin.
Paitent: [runs out of Janet's office] Leave me alone! This woman is trying to kill me!
Tyler: [holding a needle] Oh come on mate third time lucky.
Piers: Janet talk some sense into Mrs. Raven for me.
Tyler: I'm not Janet i'm Tyler you know the painter and decorator. [squirts the needle]
Piers: Janet what? What are you doing?.
Tyler: Why do you keep calling me Janet?
Mrs. Raven: [to the Inspector] So perhaps i could get you a cup of tea.
- [Scene flash]
- [Scene: 59 Linden Court, Janet and George argue in the living room.]
Janet: I don't understand why you won't let me go to work i feel fine.
George: You look a bit rough to me.
Janet: Oh charming, and it's inspection day they need me to be there.
George: No, they really need you not to be there.
- [Janet sighs and goes to the bedroom]
George: [Arnie arrives] Arnie.
Arnie: Guess what i got.
George: A new neural filtration device.
Arnie: Er no it's a steak and kidney pie, sorry to get your hopes up there.
George: So where's the new device?
Arnie: Bit of a problem George, they don't make em anymore.
George: Arnie.
Arnie: It's an obsolete model, the new one's Ultronian standard, it'd turn a Human brain into a cornflake.
George: Oh, some i'm married to Piers forever? Come on Arnie you must have some good news.
Arnie: Kinda what the pie was meant to be.
George: Thanks.
Arnie: Just remember, it isn't really Piers, it just looks, sounds, feels and smells like him. Really, it's the same Janet you've always loved.
George: Very romantic, but you're not the one who has to massage his feet.
Arnie: Her feet George, her feet.
George: Oh i don't know, you know what i did last night?
Arnie: Do i want to?
George: I went to visit Tyler, just to see my wife's face, three hours i was there.
Arnie: You mean?
George: Yes, i'm thinking of having an affair with Tyler.
Arnie: George how could you ever face your wife?
George: That's the point i would be facing my wife. [Janet screams in the bedroom] Janet.
Janet: George, George what have you done to me?
George: I'm sorry.
Arnie: How did you find out?
Cassie: Sorry daddy i had to tell her, i couldn't face the breast feeding.
Janet: Where is my body George?
Arnie: It's safe it's being looked after?
Janet: Who by?
George: Tyler.
Janet: Oh my God get me back, now!
George: We can't do it.
Janet: You bloody can you've got to!
Arnie: There is something we can do but it's risky.
Janet: What?
Arnie: Well we need to go down to the Health Centre.
Janet: Right well lets go. [the three leave]
- [Scene flash]
- [Scene: Northolt Health Centre, the Inspector talks to Tyler (in Janet's body), in Janet's office.]
Inspector: Now nurse, until the Doctor arrives you're the senior member of staff.
Tyler: Wow! I only started yesterday, at this rate i'll have my own hospital by next week.
Inspector: Perhaps you could show me around.
Tyler: Deffo, oh Gandalf can. This is Janet's room, [he offers a jar of pills to the Inspector] oh these green pills are good they make your tounge swell up.
Inspector: [she refuses the offer] May i ask why you're not wearing your uniform?
Tyler: Ah well i wear this cos in my job i get covered in sticky splashes all the time, just saves on the washing.
Inspector: Nurse you should be wearing a regulation NHS nurse's uniform.
Tyler: Like that one. [nods to Janet (in Pier's body), who has arrived with George and Arnie.]
Inspector: Dr. Crispin?
Janet: No, [George and Arnie nod to her] yes i'm Dr. Crispin and you're the Inspector look, you may have seen some rather unusual things here this morning.
Inspector: To say the least.
Janet: Oh this no this is um, dress down Wednesday, look, can i just ask that you give us an hour to put everything in order and then everything'll be fine really.
Inspector: Half an hour, [she gets up] and i shall require a full explanation. [she leaves]
Janet: Tyler?
Tyler: Hello doc, like the skirt.
Janet: Please tell me you haven't had any tattoos done since yesterday.
Tyler: Er.
Janet: Please tell me you haven't had any tattoos done since yesterday.
George: Tyler, i'm afraid we've got something quite disturbing to tell you.
Tyler: What?
George: There's no easy way of saying this, we downloaded your personality, filtered it and accidently re-installed it in Janet's body and the only way to fix you is with a highly dangerous brain experiment.
Tyler: [turns to Janet] Ah well these things happen.
George: Right.
Arnie: Okay listen up, this is a highly dangerous and sophisticated procedure, so...
- [Scene flash]
- [Tyler is lying on a table while Janet is on a paitent's chair, wired up.]
Janet: And this is the sophisticated procedure is it?
Arnie: Yeah, we jump you two into each other's bodies, then find Tyler's body with the Doctor in it and jump again.
George: [to both] Are you sure you wanna go through with this?
Janet: Absolutely.
George: [to Tyler] Because you don't need to Janet, not for my sake, i love you for who you are, and i'll always love you no matter how you look on the outside, you're my wife.
Janet: Very touching George but i'm over here.
George: [to Tyler] Oh right. [to Janet] Because you don't need to Janet, not for my sake, i love you for who you...
Janet: Just get on with it Arnie.
Arnie: Right, deep breath everybody, and clear!
Tyler: Er is it okay if i listen to some music to relax me? I found this CD player in the waiting room.
Arnie: It isn't actually a CD player Tyler, and anyway it's broken.
Tyler: No it isn't, it's just that the batteries were loose, i put them back.
Arnie: [Arnie chuckles, embarrased.] Silly me.
- [Scene flash]
- [Janet regains conciousness in her own body.]
George: Janet, are you okay?
Janet: Yeah, yeah i'm okay.
George: And you are Janet?
Janet: [feels her face] I am Janet, and i am in need of a very long, very hot bath possibly two.
George: Okay, we've got Janet back to normal, we've got Dr. Crispin's body and we've got Tyler on CD.
Arnie: Now we need to find Tyler's body with the Doctor's personality, and put everything back to normal.
Janet: Just another average day in my life then.
- [In the waiting room, a man in a suit is angry because of his delayed appointment.]
Man: My appointment was for 11 o'Clock it is now half past one.
Mrs. Raven: We have been experiencing some difficulties today so we appreciate your paitence.
Man: Whereas you clearly do not appreciate your [emphasises] paitents.
Mrs. Raven: [groans then laughs] What a delightful joke, i'm sure Dr. Crispin will see you as soon as possible, [she snaps her pencil as he goes to the chairs].
George: [George, Arnie and Tyler (in his own body), leave Piers' office] Right, that's Tyler back in his own head?
Arnie: Tyler are you back to normal?
Tyler: No i feel all weird in my brain like there's, loads of different voices all talking at the same time.
Arnie: He's back to normal.
George: Okay, lets get back into Janet's office, and put Dr. Crispin back into Dr. Crispin. [George and Arnie go to his office, Mrs. Raven stops George.]
Mrs. Raven: You can't go in there Dr. Crispins with the Inspector.
George: But he can't be. [George goes to Arnie outside Janet's office] He's just an empty body.
Arnie: Not quite, i-i-i i didn't want to leave him empty in case someone came in and thought he was dead so i uh, loaded a little something else in the meantime.
George: What?
- [The Inspector talks to Piers in his office.]
Inspector: Frankly the standards i have witnessed today leave a great deal to be desired, you asked me for more time, now what have you done since?
Piers: [with the Baby One More Time playing in his empty brain] My loneliness, is killing me, and i, i must confess, i still believe, still believe.
George: What did you put in there?
Arnie: The Britney Spears CD.
Piers: [walks around the office] When i'm not with you i lose my mind, give me a si-i-i-ign. [Picks the Inspector up] Hit me Baby one more time.
- [The Inspector leaves the office as George and Arnie enter]
Inspector: Well, i think i've seen enough?
Mrs. Raven: Really?
Inspector: I turn up to a place that looks more like a brothel than a health centre, there a find a nurse in dirty overalls who claims to have studied medicine on the planet, [looks at her document] Gallifrey. And a Doctor who turns up half a day late wearing a dress and proceeds to perform an elaborate and rather tacky drag routine.
Mrs. Raven: So is that, average? Or above average?
Inspector: It is distinctly below average. [Janet walks out of Piers' office behind Mrs. Raven] Mrs. Raven you are the only professional here, who has impressed me at all. If you ever need a reference, [looks at Janet] and you will, i'll be happy to provide one.
Stanley: Excuse me, but it sounds as if you have some sort of predjudice against this centre.
Inspector: I beg your pardon.
Ella: So what if a Nurse is in overalls and the Doctor chooses to wear a dress lots of Doctors wear dresses.
Inspector: Female doctors.
Stanley: Oh so you're discriminating against him because of his gender.
Inspector: No...
Stanley: Well i rather hope society's moved on from that sort of thing.
Ella: Surely the only question is whether Dr. Crispin and his team provide a high standard of care.
Stanley: Which they most certainly do.
Inspector:Well, i'll take that into account while writing my report.
Ella: See that you do, rather than relying on your own blinkered preconceptions. [The Inspector leaves]
Janet: Mum, Dad, thank you, i think you may have just saved our jobs.
Mrs. Raven: Oh yeah, thank them never mind me, biting my tounge all day, choking back the bile and being nice to these miserbale sickos.
Man: [gets up and walks to Mrs. Raven] Miserbale sickos? I'm sorry but you w...
Mrs. Raven: [grabs him by his tie] You will be mate! Want your appointment do ya? [shoves a piece of paper in his mouth] There's your bleeding appointment. [notices the Inspector has walked back in]
Inspector: Forgot my bag. [picks it up and leaves]
- [Mrs. Raven pushes the man aside, George and Arnie take Piers into the waiting room]
George: Now, is everyone back where they should be? Janet, Tyler, Piers, [hold up a CD] Britney. Allow me the pleasure of doing this. [George stamps on the neural filtration device, destroying it.]
Arnie: If it wasn't broken before it definatley is now.
George: And good riddance to it.
Ella: What are you doing?
Janet: Oh nothing, oh mum by the way i found your purse.
The Real Ella: [is revealed to be in Stanley's body] Oh that's wonderful darling what a relief, [shows her purse to Stanley, who is inside Ella] look Stanley, i've found my purse.
The Real Stanley: [nods] Yes dear, your mother's been looking everywhere for that haven't you Ella.
Ella: Come along Stanley.
Stanley: [sighs and walks with Ella]
George: Hmm, has anyone got any celotape?
- [End Credits]